Death Awaits

I realized today that the future holds nothing.


My husband went to the doctor today and received a mortality check. The doctor said in the simplest terms I thought: If you keep going the way your going (eating unhealthy, not exercising and smoking) you will be dead in 10 years.


My husband was definitely scared. Said that he'd be healthier for "us". But then we went for lunch and he ordered a steak. When I gave him a look he said: "What? I haven't eaten all day!" So I suppose that's where his commitment for "us" lies. He doesn't stick by any decision that doesn't suit him, that isn't comfortable.


So I now have to deal. I have 10 years to save and plan his funeral. As morbid as that is. But obviously he doesn't care enough to change, so I might as well prepare for the inevitable. Hell it might even be sooner.


And the topic of kids. I told him today that I don't want to hear about "when we have a kid..." or anything to do with kids. Why? Why bother?? We're not having any because you're too selfish to put anyone else but yourself first. So stop mentioning it! It hurts too much. I'd rather just deal with the fact that I will not be getting pregnant or having kids now, rather than later. I don't want to deal with the suggestions or anything to do with kids. I might as well get a hysterectomy. But no doctor will give me one til I have at least one child unless I medically need it. So I am stuck. I told my husband :well if you don't want kids, just get fixed. His response: Hell no! I'm not getting anything done. Why don't you go in the pill? (Even though I have told him that the side effects are bad for me, and doctors have told me that they will not put me on the pill because of hormones and the risk of my blood pressure going up since my organ donorship).


And I sit here again and I cry. Cry for the decision I made when I was younger. The chance I gave up because I was selfish. And I thought "I have time, more chances to come, I'm young enough".... I don't have anymore time. I'm no longer young enough. I no longer have any chances. I've told myself and everyone for years that it was for the best... that I couldn't have provided enough for a child... In reality I would have found a way I just chose not to. And this is my punishment.


This is my punishment, my Karma..


Tonight another piece of me has died.