Hidden Desires

My life is about to change. I will no longer be known as me. I will always and forever be known as one half of two.


But somewhere deep down inside I can't help but think about all the desires I have unfulfilled. I can't help but want to be wanted. Desired. To be devoured with a passion that rivals the sun. But I know that he cannot, will not, perhaps is incapable of that. I love him, but he doesn't bring out the fire, the vixen. I feel like only a shell of the sexual person I was. But isn't that part of growing up? Of maturing? I hope so, but I still can't help wanting...


I think of past lovers, ones that were not "one nighters" but truly long term. One fulfilled my desires in ways that no other could... but her insecurities out of bed were the downfall, the slippery rocks that crumbles against the harsh seas. One ignited a passion in me that was only rivaled by one... or perhaps it was the fact that he wasn't mine to have and that we should never have been... Or was it the build up of years of desires exploding like a long burning firecracker? I wanted him from day one, but played the "proper" role, regardless of how improper my thoughts (and my body) reacted when he was near.


And then there was The One. From day one, perhaps second one, I wanted him. I wanted his lips on mine, his arms around me. we couldn't be alone together without touching, and other things. We found ways, made things happen to spend time together. To be together.... we lied, schemed... anything that needed to be done... I risked the wrath of my father to be with him. But he wouldn't make the same sacrifice for me. He still till this day sometimes occupies my fantasies. I remember his voice on the phone, his smell, his touch. His kiss never failed to ignite the fires within me. We gladly injured ourselves and would have done it more than once with our marathons. Although we may talk once a year or even less, I still think of ourselves as friends and he will forever remain "The One Who Got Away".... my First Love I no longer love him, I love and miss the man he was, Just as I know he misses the woman I was, and no longer am thanks to the world, time and life. I know that living in the past isn't healthy, but if you forget where you came from, the mistakes you made and should never make again then you are destined to repeat them. And because of him, because of that no man or woman will ever have all of me, all of my heart. When I'm sad and depressed about the world I'm living in today, I can't help but reminiscence and cry on the inside for what could have been. But my real tears stopped flowing for him years ago.


And here I am, 14 years later getting married. I am happy with him, and he may not be Mr. Romantic or Mr. Charisma or Mr. Gentleman, but he is mine. He may not even light the fires of my desire, but he is mine. He is done playing the wandering hands game. He tries to be what I want and he tries to light me up like a Christmas tree. And in the end, we can only ask our partners to try.

Self Talk

As a little girl, I thought about what I wanted from my life. What did I want to be? What did I want to do?

As an adult I think back on all those dreams that I had and I realize that I have not brought them to fruition. But I think of my classmates from college and I remember the older classmates I had. And I realize: I'm not dead yet. I can still do this. And I tell myself: I WILL DO THIS. Come hell or high water, no matter what anyone tells me or who tries to hold me back, I have been and always will be a fighter. I will make this happen. I have to make this happen. If I don't then I have let myself and my future down. I cannot allow that.

Breath and Prepare

The air is still.

It is not a quiet still, but an electric, heavy stillness that always foretells the coming of a storm. She bows her head and closes her eyes taking a steadying breath. She knows that the winds will start soon and the chaos she tries to contain inside will break free. All she can hope to do is protect those she cares about the most...

from herself.

The Seeds of Hope

The clouds cover the sun. 

The lightning flashes and the thunder booms.
I feel the winds stir my hair and my anger. I fight for control; Hoping to save the world from the rage... I fail and the seas come up and the lava burns. 
And I feel no remorse. 
Only satisfaction.

The storm passes. The winds die. The sea settles into a calm. She stands on the cliff staring at the fading sun, watching the storm move away...
and she thinks "the storm will always pass"  and she is hopeful again.

Dawn breaks and the destruction from the storm is visible. 

But under all the rubble a seed sprouts and hope for a new life is born.

Have you ever thought about how your life has evolved? Through the years, every one can look back on their life and think about what they wish they had done differently. It's been said that we shouldn't live our lives with regrets, but isn't that easier said than done? I think so. No, that's wrong. I know so.

So the question is this: What do you regret in life?

I regret cheating on my first real boyfriend. He is my first love because that never changes. First love never stops being your FIRST. I would have given up myself and everything that made me who I was: independent and free. But the trick of it was this: he would never have let me do that. He loved me and I loved him. Just not enough.

I regret giving up a life that I wanted. I wanted that with all my heart but I knew that in the end it wouldn't have been fair to that life. So perhaps I made a selfish decision and chose the easier path for me, but in the end I may have chosen the harder path for my conscience and my heart.

I regret breaking the heart of someone I care about deeply, simply for the fact that I do not have the ability to love them the way that they deserve. Perhaps in another life we might have been more, and in most ways perhaps we are. But in the end perhaps once again I am choosing the easier way out for me, because at the end of the day I do love this person and it would kill me in ways unimaginable if I broke this persons heart, as I know that I would. My heart will never be able to belong to them in the way that they deserve. They deserve better than a shattered person, damaged and broken. Hurt and destroyed. My best friend, my soul mate in ways unromantic, my ying to my yang.

I regret not repairing my relationship with one man in my life before his light went out unexpectedly. Good things happened from his passing but I realize that there were so may things that I didn't know about him. So many events that I missed out on, in my selfish need to "find myself", to become "my own person".

But every Storm ends. And hope sprouts. My seed of Hope is sprouting. I can only hope that it will grow as it should, and not wither and die like all the other hopes.