It's been 4 years.
4 Years since my father died. I don't cry at the drop of dime anymore. I don't see him in my dreams anymore. I don't feel him as often anymore. And I am sad.
I wonder what he would say of the life that I have now. Would he be happy for me? Would he have like my husband?
I'm still mad that he left. That I was denied the simple custom of my father walking me down the aisle. I still feel so jipped.
4 years. I have buried myself in work. I have tried to bury myself in life. I try not to think about it, because if I do I cry.
Yet I sit here tonight and I cry. I want answers. I wanna know why. I NEED to know why.
I want him back. I want the time that I lost back. I want to not see the images in my head. I want to not see my mother crying and the phone call sounds to leave. I want the movie in my head to stop playing. I want to call his house and herar him pick up the phone. I want to hear him talk to me every birthday and give me his "Birthday Speech".
God I miss him.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Regrets
He doesn't change. He will never change. I must get used to that idea.
He always says he "is tired". Tired? Too tired to touch your own wife?? "I work 12 hours a day, 60 hours a week". I told him: "yes, by your choice". His response: "No not by my choice. I have to support my family". WHAT FAMILY??? There is no "family"!! We have no children. We will not have children. You are too selfish to put anyone before yourself. You say it's the hallmark of an addict. I don't believe you. I think you are just a selfish, self-centered bastard that can only think of himself. You act like a child everyday, you whine like a child everyday. You act like a child everyday. You ask me: "what will you do if your child does that?" I answer honestly: "My child won't. They will learn early on that whining is not allowed." I will give them something to cry about.
I want to slap the crap out of you. You annoy the shit out of me. Why did I marry you? I settled. Why did I settle? Because I was tired of the games. The waiting, the looking, the dating. But now I am married to a man who is the opposite of what kind of man I want.
I am unhappy. But what do I do now?
He always says he "is tired". Tired? Too tired to touch your own wife?? "I work 12 hours a day, 60 hours a week". I told him: "yes, by your choice". His response: "No not by my choice. I have to support my family". WHAT FAMILY??? There is no "family"!! We have no children. We will not have children. You are too selfish to put anyone before yourself. You say it's the hallmark of an addict. I don't believe you. I think you are just a selfish, self-centered bastard that can only think of himself. You act like a child everyday, you whine like a child everyday. You act like a child everyday. You ask me: "what will you do if your child does that?" I answer honestly: "My child won't. They will learn early on that whining is not allowed." I will give them something to cry about.
I want to slap the crap out of you. You annoy the shit out of me. Why did I marry you? I settled. Why did I settle? Because I was tired of the games. The waiting, the looking, the dating. But now I am married to a man who is the opposite of what kind of man I want.
I am unhappy. But what do I do now?
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