I realized today that the future holds nothing.
My husband went to the doctor today and received a mortality check. The doctor said in the simplest terms I thought: If you keep going the way your going (eating unhealthy, not exercising and smoking) you will be dead in 10 years.
My husband was definitely scared. Said that he'd be healthier for "us". But then we went for lunch and he ordered a steak. When I gave him a look he said: "What? I haven't eaten all day!" So I suppose that's where his commitment for "us" lies. He doesn't stick by any decision that doesn't suit him, that isn't comfortable.
So I now have to deal. I have 10 years to save and plan his funeral. As morbid as that is. But obviously he doesn't care enough to change, so I might as well prepare for the inevitable. Hell it might even be sooner.
And the topic of kids. I told him today that I don't want to hear about "when we have a kid..." or anything to do with kids. Why? Why bother?? We're not having any because you're too selfish to put anyone else but yourself first. So stop mentioning it! It hurts too much. I'd rather just deal with the fact that I will not be getting pregnant or having kids now, rather than later. I don't want to deal with the suggestions or anything to do with kids. I might as well get a hysterectomy. But no doctor will give me one til I have at least one child unless I medically need it. So I am stuck. I told my husband :well if you don't want kids, just get fixed. His response: Hell no! I'm not getting anything done. Why don't you go in the pill? (Even though I have told him that the side effects are bad for me, and doctors have told me that they will not put me on the pill because of hormones and the risk of my blood pressure going up since my organ donorship).
And I sit here again and I cry. Cry for the decision I made when I was younger. The chance I gave up because I was selfish. And I thought "I have time, more chances to come, I'm young enough".... I don't have anymore time. I'm no longer young enough. I no longer have any chances. I've told myself and everyone for years that it was for the best... that I couldn't have provided enough for a child... In reality I would have found a way I just chose not to. And this is my punishment.
This is my punishment, my Karma..
Tonight another piece of me has died.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Cheated
I'm tired of putting on a brave face everyday. For everyone, but me. I miss him so much. I feel cheated. he didn't walk me down the aisle, didn't meet my husband. will never get to see his grandchild/grandchildren.
I feel guilty that I neglected him for so many years while I got over my shit. And just when I finally decided that it was time to repair the damage that time and distance had created he was gone. He's been gone for years and I still haven't truly mourned his passing. But I had to be STRONG for my mother. I had to keep it together. I had to make things happen because she couldn't. And now 3 years later I sit here and I cry. Cry for the lost time. Cry for the lost opportunities. Cry for the moments I missed. Cry for the moments that we will never have.
In my minds eye I see. I see his casket. I see his urn. I see it being sealed in a tomb on the other side of the world, away from me. I know that's where he wanted to be but I cant see him. I can't feel him. The tears blind me and the pain rips me apart. How do I deal?
I hear the phone call: We can't revive him... I remember the sound of tears. The sobs of my mother: What do I do now? I have no one now... I remember her reaching for me, holding onto me. Stay with me? Stay here with me? The desperation in her voice, the pleading... How do I say no, I don't want to say no, I could never say no.
I remember trying to get dressed to go to the house. I remember shaking so much I couldn't get dressed. I remember being afraid that I would crash the car. I remember thinking: No it can't be true. I have to get there. I have to see for myself. I remember getting there and thinking: where are the ambulances? Why are there cops here? I remember getting to the door and the door is open: Why is it open?? I remember walking in... and seeing. Seeing him lying there. Not moving. And I crumple. My knees give out. Someone catches me: it's my cousin. All I hear is the ringing in my ears.... someone asks: Who is she? My cousin says: it's his daughter. I am uncontrollable. I don't know how long. Somewhere I hear my uncle: Go to your mother she needs you. She's looking for you. I stand up and the tears have stopped. I am so devastated I feel nothing.. I go to my mother and the reaches... I hear the cry... and my eyes water... This isn't what I am used to. She's the rock of the family. She's she strong one... Can I do this? Can I be the one? I have to be. And my life is forever changed.
Someone wants to speak to me about plans... arrangements.. I can barely think. Mom knows where she wants the funeral. Good, because I have no idea. I try to think about what needs to be done. but I am lost. My job, I need more time off, I am on vacation, but I need more time.. Clothes, I need clothes... Someone makes calls. Someone asks what I want. What does Mom want? Somehow things get done. It takes everything I have to keep focused. My focus: keep Mom alive. Stay close, be her rock.
Somewhere in the night everyone leaves, Mom cant sleep but I can't keep my eyes open. I fall asleep but what seems like minutes later I hear the sobs again. Mom. What do I do? I don't know what to do?? I can only be close. And hope my presence is enough...
The wake is planned. Somehow people have been informed. I don't know how. I don't remember calling... I barely sit. I am "Hostess". I can't go up to the casket. I can't say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye. In my mind I keep screaming: NO! HE CAN'T BE DEAD! We file out to go to the cemetery for his cremation. The one thing I insisted on. I wanted my father cremated. I can barely drive. My cousin asks: Can she drive?? Do you want me to drive?? Oh God, help me keep it together.
We get to the cemetery and all I can think is this is the last time I will SEE him in his body. They lay the flag on his casket and later close it. Me and Mom lose it again. They give Mom the flag... and I cry. Her tears have yet to stop. Mine have yet to really begin.
We clean out the apartment. Get rid of his stuff. Its done within 2 weeks.
I have memories, as I listen to my family tell me there's of a man who was not my biological father but will always be
MY FATHER.
RIP Dad.. I miss you, I love you. You had your reasons for leaving. Me and Mom are closer now than we have ever been. I helped save her life. She has a part of me in her now, for all eternity. I gave her a kidney, gave her back her life. I love her with a strength I never knew I could have. Your death brought us together. Is that why you left?
I miss you, I hope you were there at my wedding. To watch me walk down the aisle. To get married. Do you approve of my husband? I hope you do. Come visit me again in my dreams Dad. I miss your face...
I feel guilty that I neglected him for so many years while I got over my shit. And just when I finally decided that it was time to repair the damage that time and distance had created he was gone. He's been gone for years and I still haven't truly mourned his passing. But I had to be STRONG for my mother. I had to keep it together. I had to make things happen because she couldn't. And now 3 years later I sit here and I cry. Cry for the lost time. Cry for the lost opportunities. Cry for the moments I missed. Cry for the moments that we will never have.
In my minds eye I see. I see his casket. I see his urn. I see it being sealed in a tomb on the other side of the world, away from me. I know that's where he wanted to be but I cant see him. I can't feel him. The tears blind me and the pain rips me apart. How do I deal?
I hear the phone call: We can't revive him... I remember the sound of tears. The sobs of my mother: What do I do now? I have no one now... I remember her reaching for me, holding onto me. Stay with me? Stay here with me? The desperation in her voice, the pleading... How do I say no, I don't want to say no, I could never say no.
I remember trying to get dressed to go to the house. I remember shaking so much I couldn't get dressed. I remember being afraid that I would crash the car. I remember thinking: No it can't be true. I have to get there. I have to see for myself. I remember getting there and thinking: where are the ambulances? Why are there cops here? I remember getting to the door and the door is open: Why is it open?? I remember walking in... and seeing. Seeing him lying there. Not moving. And I crumple. My knees give out. Someone catches me: it's my cousin. All I hear is the ringing in my ears.... someone asks: Who is she? My cousin says: it's his daughter. I am uncontrollable. I don't know how long. Somewhere I hear my uncle: Go to your mother she needs you. She's looking for you. I stand up and the tears have stopped. I am so devastated I feel nothing.. I go to my mother and the reaches... I hear the cry... and my eyes water... This isn't what I am used to. She's the rock of the family. She's she strong one... Can I do this? Can I be the one? I have to be. And my life is forever changed.
Someone wants to speak to me about plans... arrangements.. I can barely think. Mom knows where she wants the funeral. Good, because I have no idea. I try to think about what needs to be done. but I am lost. My job, I need more time off, I am on vacation, but I need more time.. Clothes, I need clothes... Someone makes calls. Someone asks what I want. What does Mom want? Somehow things get done. It takes everything I have to keep focused. My focus: keep Mom alive. Stay close, be her rock.
Somewhere in the night everyone leaves, Mom cant sleep but I can't keep my eyes open. I fall asleep but what seems like minutes later I hear the sobs again. Mom. What do I do? I don't know what to do?? I can only be close. And hope my presence is enough...
The wake is planned. Somehow people have been informed. I don't know how. I don't remember calling... I barely sit. I am "Hostess". I can't go up to the casket. I can't say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye. In my mind I keep screaming: NO! HE CAN'T BE DEAD! We file out to go to the cemetery for his cremation. The one thing I insisted on. I wanted my father cremated. I can barely drive. My cousin asks: Can she drive?? Do you want me to drive?? Oh God, help me keep it together.
We get to the cemetery and all I can think is this is the last time I will SEE him in his body. They lay the flag on his casket and later close it. Me and Mom lose it again. They give Mom the flag... and I cry. Her tears have yet to stop. Mine have yet to really begin.
We clean out the apartment. Get rid of his stuff. Its done within 2 weeks.
I have memories, as I listen to my family tell me there's of a man who was not my biological father but will always be
MY FATHER.
RIP Dad.. I miss you, I love you. You had your reasons for leaving. Me and Mom are closer now than we have ever been. I helped save her life. She has a part of me in her now, for all eternity. I gave her a kidney, gave her back her life. I love her with a strength I never knew I could have. Your death brought us together. Is that why you left?
I miss you, I hope you were there at my wedding. To watch me walk down the aisle. To get married. Do you approve of my husband? I hope you do. Come visit me again in my dreams Dad. I miss your face...
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Life
My life isn't all that bad. It could definitely be better, but then again, everyone can say that. I feel the darkness of depression beginning to close in on me again. Darkness I have dealt with and fought for longer than I care to remember. Perhaps that's the empty that I feel.
There's an emptiness in me that I cannot put my finger on. It's like a black hole, empty and strong sucking the light into itself and not letting go.
I love him, but somewhere deep down inside I wonder if he's truly the one for me. There are things that I fear will never "click". There are things that I want for myself that I don't really know if he will truly support me with. When life and career take me away from the home, away from him so that I can't "pay attention to him" what will he do? or rather what will I allow him to do?? Will I let him guilt trip me into staying? Into once again putting someone else before me, or will I take a chance and stand up for me and be me?
He stares at children everywhere we go. Yet whenever I bring up us having children he gets irritated and moody. I have been asked or told: He will be jealous of your child because he will no longer be the only one vying for your attention, and it's true. So what do I do? One reason I got married was so that I wouldn't have to be a "single mother", but it looks like that's what I will be anyway. I keep going back and forth. DO I want children or DON'T I???
The darkness is closing in on the cliff again. She watches the clouds and breaths in as she closes her eyes. She prepares for the storm that she knows will come.
There's an emptiness in me that I cannot put my finger on. It's like a black hole, empty and strong sucking the light into itself and not letting go.
I love him, but somewhere deep down inside I wonder if he's truly the one for me. There are things that I fear will never "click". There are things that I want for myself that I don't really know if he will truly support me with. When life and career take me away from the home, away from him so that I can't "pay attention to him" what will he do? or rather what will I allow him to do?? Will I let him guilt trip me into staying? Into once again putting someone else before me, or will I take a chance and stand up for me and be me?
He stares at children everywhere we go. Yet whenever I bring up us having children he gets irritated and moody. I have been asked or told: He will be jealous of your child because he will no longer be the only one vying for your attention, and it's true. So what do I do? One reason I got married was so that I wouldn't have to be a "single mother", but it looks like that's what I will be anyway. I keep going back and forth. DO I want children or DON'T I???
The darkness is closing in on the cliff again. She watches the clouds and breaths in as she closes her eyes. She prepares for the storm that she knows will come.
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