Senseless

I heard today that an co-worker's brother's daughter was brutally murdered on September 1.

What a senseless act of violence. Apparently the mother of the toddler's BOYFRIEND was beating the child for at least 3 months. She "told him to stop, but did nothing about it" (according to police reports). AND (here's the kicker) SHE STILL ADORES HIM! WHAT THE FUCK??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? That's insane! How do you (as a mother) watch a man ever beat your child TO DEATH and say "you still adore" him??????

I will NEVER til the day I die EVER understand child abuse. We are the adults. They are CHILDREN. They are NO MATCH for our adult strength. There is NO LOGIC, NO EXCUSES. I think about all the loving, well adjusted adults who DESPARATELY want a child AND CAN'T HAVE ONE, yet these people (if you can call them that) are popping out kids, don't want them and then killing them. I don't like the thought of taking someone's life needlessly, however when it comes to child murders, I think they should be killed. THE EXACT SAME WAY THEY KILLED THE CHILD(REN).

My heart bleeds for this family...

I know the Aunt (who's my co-worker). She's a sweet woman... friendly and nice... The child's father is funny and quiet. He's a good man and dotes on his son that he has custody of (with his current wife). I feel so bad for them. I don't know what I could possibly do for them, but just offer my condolensces, my well wishes , my prayers...

I can't imagine going through what they are going through. It's a depressing shame.

SENSELESS... JUST ABSOLUTELY SENSELESS.

My wishes for your safe trip home to our maker little one... (S.A.V.)

Vaya con dios, angelita

Death Awaits

I realized today that the future holds nothing.


My husband went to the doctor today and received a mortality check. The doctor said in the simplest terms I thought: If you keep going the way your going (eating unhealthy, not exercising and smoking) you will be dead in 10 years.


My husband was definitely scared. Said that he'd be healthier for "us". But then we went for lunch and he ordered a steak. When I gave him a look he said: "What? I haven't eaten all day!" So I suppose that's where his commitment for "us" lies. He doesn't stick by any decision that doesn't suit him, that isn't comfortable.


So I now have to deal. I have 10 years to save and plan his funeral. As morbid as that is. But obviously he doesn't care enough to change, so I might as well prepare for the inevitable. Hell it might even be sooner.


And the topic of kids. I told him today that I don't want to hear about "when we have a kid..." or anything to do with kids. Why? Why bother?? We're not having any because you're too selfish to put anyone else but yourself first. So stop mentioning it! It hurts too much. I'd rather just deal with the fact that I will not be getting pregnant or having kids now, rather than later. I don't want to deal with the suggestions or anything to do with kids. I might as well get a hysterectomy. But no doctor will give me one til I have at least one child unless I medically need it. So I am stuck. I told my husband :well if you don't want kids, just get fixed. His response: Hell no! I'm not getting anything done. Why don't you go in the pill? (Even though I have told him that the side effects are bad for me, and doctors have told me that they will not put me on the pill because of hormones and the risk of my blood pressure going up since my organ donorship).


And I sit here again and I cry. Cry for the decision I made when I was younger. The chance I gave up because I was selfish. And I thought "I have time, more chances to come, I'm young enough".... I don't have anymore time. I'm no longer young enough. I no longer have any chances. I've told myself and everyone for years that it was for the best... that I couldn't have provided enough for a child... In reality I would have found a way I just chose not to. And this is my punishment.


This is my punishment, my Karma..


Tonight another piece of me has died.

Cheated

I'm tired of putting on a brave face everyday. For everyone, but me. I miss him so much. I feel cheated. he didn't walk me down the aisle, didn't meet my husband. will never get to see his grandchild/grandchildren.

I feel guilty that I neglected him for so many years while I got over my shit. And just when I finally decided that it was time to repair the damage that time and distance had created he was gone. He's been gone for years and I still haven't truly mourned his passing. But I had to be STRONG for my mother. I had to keep it together. I had to make things happen because she couldn't. And now 3 years later I sit here and I cry. Cry for the lost time. Cry for the lost opportunities. Cry for the moments I missed. Cry for the moments that we will never have.

In my minds eye I see. I see his casket. I see his urn. I see it being sealed in a tomb on the other side of the world, away from me. I know that's where he wanted to be but I cant see him. I can't feel him. The tears blind me and the pain rips me apart. How do I deal?

I hear the phone call: We can't revive him... I remember the sound of tears. The sobs of my mother: What do I do now? I have no one now... I remember her reaching for me, holding onto me. Stay with me? Stay here with me? The desperation in her voice, the pleading... How do I say no, I don't want to say no, I could never say no.

I remember trying to get dressed to go to the house. I remember shaking so much I couldn't get dressed. I remember being afraid that I would crash the car. I remember thinking: No it can't be true. I have to get there. I have to see for myself. I remember getting there and thinking: where are the ambulances? Why are there cops here? I remember getting to the door and the door is open: Why is it open?? I remember walking in... and seeing. Seeing him lying there. Not moving. And I crumple. My knees give out. Someone catches me: it's my cousin. All I hear is the ringing in my ears.... someone asks: Who is she? My cousin says: it's his daughter. I am uncontrollable. I don't know how long. Somewhere I hear my uncle: Go to your mother she needs you. She's looking for you. I stand up and the tears have stopped. I am so devastated I feel nothing.. I go to my mother and the reaches... I hear the cry... and my eyes water... This isn't what I am used to. She's the rock of the family. She's she strong one... Can I do this? Can I be the one? I have to be. And my life is forever changed.

Someone wants to speak to me about plans... arrangements.. I can barely think. Mom knows where she wants the funeral. Good, because I have no idea. I try to think about what needs to be done. but I am lost. My job, I need more time off, I am on vacation, but I need more time.. Clothes, I need clothes... Someone makes calls. Someone asks what I want. What does Mom want? Somehow things get done. It takes everything I have to keep focused. My focus: keep Mom alive. Stay close, be her rock.

Somewhere in the night everyone leaves, Mom cant sleep but I can't keep my eyes open. I fall asleep but what seems like minutes later I hear the sobs again. Mom. What do I do? I don't know what to do?? I can only be close. And hope my presence is enough...

The wake is planned. Somehow people have been informed. I don't know how. I don't remember calling... I barely sit. I am "Hostess". I can't go up to the casket. I can't say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye. In my mind I keep screaming: NO! HE CAN'T BE DEAD! We file out to go to the cemetery for his cremation. The one thing I insisted on. I wanted my father cremated. I can barely drive. My cousin asks: Can she drive?? Do you want me to drive?? Oh God, help me keep it together.

We get to the cemetery and all I can think is this is the last time I will SEE him in his body. They lay the flag on his casket and later close it. Me and Mom lose it again. They give Mom the flag... and I cry. Her tears have yet to stop. Mine have yet to really begin.

We clean out the apartment. Get rid of his stuff. Its done within 2 weeks.

I have memories, as I listen to my family tell me there's of a man who was not my biological father but will always be

MY FATHER.

RIP Dad.. I miss you, I love you. You had your reasons for leaving. Me and Mom are closer now than we have ever been. I helped save her life. She has a part of me in her now, for all eternity. I gave her a kidney, gave her back her life. I love her with a strength I never knew I could have. Your death brought us together. Is that why you left?

I miss you, I hope you were there at my wedding. To watch me walk down the aisle. To get married. Do you approve of my husband? I hope you do. Come visit me again in my dreams Dad. I miss your face...

Life

My life isn't all that bad. It could definitely be better, but then again, everyone can say that. I feel the darkness of depression beginning to close in on me again. Darkness I have dealt with and fought for longer than I care to remember. Perhaps that's the empty that I feel.

There's an emptiness in me that I cannot put my finger on. It's like a black hole, empty and strong sucking the light into itself and not letting go.

I love him, but somewhere deep down inside I wonder if he's truly the one for me. There are things that I fear will never "click". There are things that I want for myself that I don't really know if he will truly support me with. When life and career take me away from the home, away from him so that I can't "pay attention to him" what will he do? or rather what will I allow him to do?? Will I let him guilt trip me into staying? Into once again putting someone else before me, or will I take a chance and stand up for me and be me?

He stares at children everywhere we go. Yet whenever I bring up us having children he gets irritated and moody. I have been asked or told: He will be jealous of your child because he will no longer be the only one vying for your attention, and it's true. So what do I do? One reason I got married was so that I wouldn't have to be a "single mother", but it looks like that's what I will be anyway. I keep going back and forth. DO I want children or DON'T I???

The darkness is closing in on the cliff again. She watches the clouds and breaths in as she closes her eyes. She prepares for the storm that she knows will come.

Hidden Desires

My life is about to change. I will no longer be known as me. I will always and forever be known as one half of two.


But somewhere deep down inside I can't help but think about all the desires I have unfulfilled. I can't help but want to be wanted. Desired. To be devoured with a passion that rivals the sun. But I know that he cannot, will not, perhaps is incapable of that. I love him, but he doesn't bring out the fire, the vixen. I feel like only a shell of the sexual person I was. But isn't that part of growing up? Of maturing? I hope so, but I still can't help wanting...


I think of past lovers, ones that were not "one nighters" but truly long term. One fulfilled my desires in ways that no other could... but her insecurities out of bed were the downfall, the slippery rocks that crumbles against the harsh seas. One ignited a passion in me that was only rivaled by one... or perhaps it was the fact that he wasn't mine to have and that we should never have been... Or was it the build up of years of desires exploding like a long burning firecracker? I wanted him from day one, but played the "proper" role, regardless of how improper my thoughts (and my body) reacted when he was near.


And then there was The One. From day one, perhaps second one, I wanted him. I wanted his lips on mine, his arms around me. we couldn't be alone together without touching, and other things. We found ways, made things happen to spend time together. To be together.... we lied, schemed... anything that needed to be done... I risked the wrath of my father to be with him. But he wouldn't make the same sacrifice for me. He still till this day sometimes occupies my fantasies. I remember his voice on the phone, his smell, his touch. His kiss never failed to ignite the fires within me. We gladly injured ourselves and would have done it more than once with our marathons. Although we may talk once a year or even less, I still think of ourselves as friends and he will forever remain "The One Who Got Away".... my First Love I no longer love him, I love and miss the man he was, Just as I know he misses the woman I was, and no longer am thanks to the world, time and life. I know that living in the past isn't healthy, but if you forget where you came from, the mistakes you made and should never make again then you are destined to repeat them. And because of him, because of that no man or woman will ever have all of me, all of my heart. When I'm sad and depressed about the world I'm living in today, I can't help but reminiscence and cry on the inside for what could have been. But my real tears stopped flowing for him years ago.


And here I am, 14 years later getting married. I am happy with him, and he may not be Mr. Romantic or Mr. Charisma or Mr. Gentleman, but he is mine. He may not even light the fires of my desire, but he is mine. He is done playing the wandering hands game. He tries to be what I want and he tries to light me up like a Christmas tree. And in the end, we can only ask our partners to try.

Self Talk

As a little girl, I thought about what I wanted from my life. What did I want to be? What did I want to do?

As an adult I think back on all those dreams that I had and I realize that I have not brought them to fruition. But I think of my classmates from college and I remember the older classmates I had. And I realize: I'm not dead yet. I can still do this. And I tell myself: I WILL DO THIS. Come hell or high water, no matter what anyone tells me or who tries to hold me back, I have been and always will be a fighter. I will make this happen. I have to make this happen. If I don't then I have let myself and my future down. I cannot allow that.

Breath and Prepare

The air is still.

It is not a quiet still, but an electric, heavy stillness that always foretells the coming of a storm. She bows her head and closes her eyes taking a steadying breath. She knows that the winds will start soon and the chaos she tries to contain inside will break free. All she can hope to do is protect those she cares about the most...

from herself.

The Seeds of Hope

The clouds cover the sun. 

The lightning flashes and the thunder booms.
I feel the winds stir my hair and my anger. I fight for control; Hoping to save the world from the rage... I fail and the seas come up and the lava burns. 
And I feel no remorse. 
Only satisfaction.

The storm passes. The winds die. The sea settles into a calm. She stands on the cliff staring at the fading sun, watching the storm move away...
and she thinks "the storm will always pass"  and she is hopeful again.

Dawn breaks and the destruction from the storm is visible. 

But under all the rubble a seed sprouts and hope for a new life is born.

Have you ever thought about how your life has evolved? Through the years, every one can look back on their life and think about what they wish they had done differently. It's been said that we shouldn't live our lives with regrets, but isn't that easier said than done? I think so. No, that's wrong. I know so.

So the question is this: What do you regret in life?

I regret cheating on my first real boyfriend. He is my first love because that never changes. First love never stops being your FIRST. I would have given up myself and everything that made me who I was: independent and free. But the trick of it was this: he would never have let me do that. He loved me and I loved him. Just not enough.

I regret giving up a life that I wanted. I wanted that with all my heart but I knew that in the end it wouldn't have been fair to that life. So perhaps I made a selfish decision and chose the easier path for me, but in the end I may have chosen the harder path for my conscience and my heart.

I regret breaking the heart of someone I care about deeply, simply for the fact that I do not have the ability to love them the way that they deserve. Perhaps in another life we might have been more, and in most ways perhaps we are. But in the end perhaps once again I am choosing the easier way out for me, because at the end of the day I do love this person and it would kill me in ways unimaginable if I broke this persons heart, as I know that I would. My heart will never be able to belong to them in the way that they deserve. They deserve better than a shattered person, damaged and broken. Hurt and destroyed. My best friend, my soul mate in ways unromantic, my ying to my yang.

I regret not repairing my relationship with one man in my life before his light went out unexpectedly. Good things happened from his passing but I realize that there were so may things that I didn't know about him. So many events that I missed out on, in my selfish need to "find myself", to become "my own person".

But every Storm ends. And hope sprouts. My seed of Hope is sprouting. I can only hope that it will grow as it should, and not wither and die like all the other hopes.