Cheated

I'm tired of putting on a brave face everyday. For everyone, but me. I miss him so much. I feel cheated. he didn't walk me down the aisle, didn't meet my husband. will never get to see his grandchild/grandchildren.

I feel guilty that I neglected him for so many years while I got over my shit. And just when I finally decided that it was time to repair the damage that time and distance had created he was gone. He's been gone for years and I still haven't truly mourned his passing. But I had to be STRONG for my mother. I had to keep it together. I had to make things happen because she couldn't. And now 3 years later I sit here and I cry. Cry for the lost time. Cry for the lost opportunities. Cry for the moments I missed. Cry for the moments that we will never have.

In my minds eye I see. I see his casket. I see his urn. I see it being sealed in a tomb on the other side of the world, away from me. I know that's where he wanted to be but I cant see him. I can't feel him. The tears blind me and the pain rips me apart. How do I deal?

I hear the phone call: We can't revive him... I remember the sound of tears. The sobs of my mother: What do I do now? I have no one now... I remember her reaching for me, holding onto me. Stay with me? Stay here with me? The desperation in her voice, the pleading... How do I say no, I don't want to say no, I could never say no.

I remember trying to get dressed to go to the house. I remember shaking so much I couldn't get dressed. I remember being afraid that I would crash the car. I remember thinking: No it can't be true. I have to get there. I have to see for myself. I remember getting there and thinking: where are the ambulances? Why are there cops here? I remember getting to the door and the door is open: Why is it open?? I remember walking in... and seeing. Seeing him lying there. Not moving. And I crumple. My knees give out. Someone catches me: it's my cousin. All I hear is the ringing in my ears.... someone asks: Who is she? My cousin says: it's his daughter. I am uncontrollable. I don't know how long. Somewhere I hear my uncle: Go to your mother she needs you. She's looking for you. I stand up and the tears have stopped. I am so devastated I feel nothing.. I go to my mother and the reaches... I hear the cry... and my eyes water... This isn't what I am used to. She's the rock of the family. She's she strong one... Can I do this? Can I be the one? I have to be. And my life is forever changed.

Someone wants to speak to me about plans... arrangements.. I can barely think. Mom knows where she wants the funeral. Good, because I have no idea. I try to think about what needs to be done. but I am lost. My job, I need more time off, I am on vacation, but I need more time.. Clothes, I need clothes... Someone makes calls. Someone asks what I want. What does Mom want? Somehow things get done. It takes everything I have to keep focused. My focus: keep Mom alive. Stay close, be her rock.

Somewhere in the night everyone leaves, Mom cant sleep but I can't keep my eyes open. I fall asleep but what seems like minutes later I hear the sobs again. Mom. What do I do? I don't know what to do?? I can only be close. And hope my presence is enough...

The wake is planned. Somehow people have been informed. I don't know how. I don't remember calling... I barely sit. I am "Hostess". I can't go up to the casket. I can't say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye. In my mind I keep screaming: NO! HE CAN'T BE DEAD! We file out to go to the cemetery for his cremation. The one thing I insisted on. I wanted my father cremated. I can barely drive. My cousin asks: Can she drive?? Do you want me to drive?? Oh God, help me keep it together.

We get to the cemetery and all I can think is this is the last time I will SEE him in his body. They lay the flag on his casket and later close it. Me and Mom lose it again. They give Mom the flag... and I cry. Her tears have yet to stop. Mine have yet to really begin.

We clean out the apartment. Get rid of his stuff. Its done within 2 weeks.

I have memories, as I listen to my family tell me there's of a man who was not my biological father but will always be

MY FATHER.

RIP Dad.. I miss you, I love you. You had your reasons for leaving. Me and Mom are closer now than we have ever been. I helped save her life. She has a part of me in her now, for all eternity. I gave her a kidney, gave her back her life. I love her with a strength I never knew I could have. Your death brought us together. Is that why you left?

I miss you, I hope you were there at my wedding. To watch me walk down the aisle. To get married. Do you approve of my husband? I hope you do. Come visit me again in my dreams Dad. I miss your face...