Hidden Desires

My life is about to change. I will no longer be known as me. I will always and forever be known as one half of two.


But somewhere deep down inside I can't help but think about all the desires I have unfulfilled. I can't help but want to be wanted. Desired. To be devoured with a passion that rivals the sun. But I know that he cannot, will not, perhaps is incapable of that. I love him, but he doesn't bring out the fire, the vixen. I feel like only a shell of the sexual person I was. But isn't that part of growing up? Of maturing? I hope so, but I still can't help wanting...


I think of past lovers, ones that were not "one nighters" but truly long term. One fulfilled my desires in ways that no other could... but her insecurities out of bed were the downfall, the slippery rocks that crumbles against the harsh seas. One ignited a passion in me that was only rivaled by one... or perhaps it was the fact that he wasn't mine to have and that we should never have been... Or was it the build up of years of desires exploding like a long burning firecracker? I wanted him from day one, but played the "proper" role, regardless of how improper my thoughts (and my body) reacted when he was near.


And then there was The One. From day one, perhaps second one, I wanted him. I wanted his lips on mine, his arms around me. we couldn't be alone together without touching, and other things. We found ways, made things happen to spend time together. To be together.... we lied, schemed... anything that needed to be done... I risked the wrath of my father to be with him. But he wouldn't make the same sacrifice for me. He still till this day sometimes occupies my fantasies. I remember his voice on the phone, his smell, his touch. His kiss never failed to ignite the fires within me. We gladly injured ourselves and would have done it more than once with our marathons. Although we may talk once a year or even less, I still think of ourselves as friends and he will forever remain "The One Who Got Away".... my First Love I no longer love him, I love and miss the man he was, Just as I know he misses the woman I was, and no longer am thanks to the world, time and life. I know that living in the past isn't healthy, but if you forget where you came from, the mistakes you made and should never make again then you are destined to repeat them. And because of him, because of that no man or woman will ever have all of me, all of my heart. When I'm sad and depressed about the world I'm living in today, I can't help but reminiscence and cry on the inside for what could have been. But my real tears stopped flowing for him years ago.


And here I am, 14 years later getting married. I am happy with him, and he may not be Mr. Romantic or Mr. Charisma or Mr. Gentleman, but he is mine. He may not even light the fires of my desire, but he is mine. He is done playing the wandering hands game. He tries to be what I want and he tries to light me up like a Christmas tree. And in the end, we can only ask our partners to try.