Another Dimension

 It's been 8 years.

A lot can happen in 8 years.

You know what can happen in 8 years? I can finally be fed up with the life I lead and leave the man who didn't make me happy. Who in all honesty NEVER made me happy. I KNEW never could make me happy, would never make me happy, didn't have the capacity to make me happy. His inability to look outside himself and think about me, and someone else without thinking about what that person could do for him was evident even from the beginning. And my persistence to "see the good in him" is what caused my own misery.

You know what else can happen in 8 years?

I can finally move out of NY. I can finally leave the state that was just filled with so much sludge and misery. NY was just filled with memories. Some good memories. Memories of people I wish that were still here, people I wish i could still hear, see. But also filled with memories of people that mess with my peace. They make me want to rage and scream. Do things that would very much get me arrested, thrown in jail, rightfully so. Violence is never the answer, it "feels" good in the dark depths of my mind, but the truth is it's what can't be done. And if there's anything I've learned: It's better to remove myself from the situation rather than suffer through trying to control the urges. Out of sight and all that. I can listen to my rage music and vent my anger through my music and live.

When I left him I also thought I would simply be a single woman: better to be single and free answer to no one rather than go through marriage all over again. But here I am, doing it all over again. And because I don't learn,  I can't make my own life easy: I'm doing it with step kids. I wish someone had told me it wasn't going to be as "easy" as I thought it was going to be. I knew there was going to be transitions, transition times, things to work through, but by the entities above, I didn't know there was going to be a chance that I'd have to deal with a chance that I'd have to deal with a personality that I simply didn't like. That I'd have to deal with my ex-husband all over again. That I'd find it in the eyes of a child, the personality of a child. The child of my once college best friend. My deceased best friend. The child I promised to watch out for, protect and guide. That I would have to dig deep to find a reason not to walk away. Walk away from him and his father who I found all the missing parts of me. Who's kisses, hugs and love healed the damage from my ex. 

But because nothing is perfect, even my perfect man... he healed the damage left behind and created new damage in it's wake like a plastic surgeon excising the scars but creating new ones. Ive noticed the little things as there always are little things.

I have accepted the fact that he is that parent that will always find an excuse to ensure that his chid is without fault. Even when his child makes me feel unsafe. Even when his child makes me feel unbridled rage. He doesn't  examine or question WHY, what it is HIS child has done to provoke me. But rather what is wrong with ME, because it is solely my fault. He hid behind his age, being a child. But he no longer is a child. It will be interesting. He has been warned: As an adult, he shall be treated as an adult. In all it's entirety.

I will never have biological children of my own. I lost my Felicity, my last soul, my last chance in 2024. I almost lost my life. A saddle pulmonary embolism, that blocked most of my lungs. I almost passed out. The doctors said if I waited any longer I wouldn't have survived. And truthfully I wonder if that would've been so bad. With her a big part of my soul left. I knew she'd be my last chance. I took too long. I took too long to leave him, took too long to start trying. Too many things against me. My doctor suggested I not try again, the chances of another miscarriage was too high. The reason Felicity leaving was genetic. The chances of it happening again were too high. I was almost guaranteed to have another pulmonary embolism, so I would have to go on blood thinners - needles twice a day, bruises and lumps - for the entirety of my pregnancy IF my body carried the pregnancy. The chances were not good. I had a fibroid that was growing in my uterus. Taking up room, space, blood. Causing me pain, blood, maybe even the loss of life. I made the decision to remove the mass, and a long with it my useless uterus. 

So now I am without the ability to create life.  

But then again: I don't think I've had that ability for decades.

Maybe in alternate dimension Felicity will grow to be a powerhouse. To be the woman I wished her to be.

All Things Come to an End

It's been awhile since I've blogged. This has always been more of a digital diary for me.

Anyway, I do believe things between me and my husband are coming to an end. I'm not sure I'm sad, or happy about it. We're going to marriage counseling. I'm not sure it's going to help. I'm not sure if I want it to. I just feel like this might be too little to late, the damage is done. I find my resentment in him growing. My anger at him growing. I know it's going to consume me.

I hope that I can give my resentment and anger to him at counseling. It's the only way I can release it. Either he changes and this marriage works or I have to leave. My sanity is on the line.

Hurricane Alley

The year is 2013.  The date is September 5. In 20 days I turn 36. I revisited earlier blogs and re-read my blog about kids. And my husband's mortality.

I remember my decision at 20, right before my 21st birthday 15 long years ago.  And I think: I would have had a 15 year old son today.  I would not be married to the man I am married today as he has stated quite often his view of "raising another man's child" (although his OWN son was raised by another man because he was too immature and selfish to be the man he should have been).

4 Years

It's been 4 years.

4 Years since my father died. I don't cry at the drop of dime anymore. I don't see him in my dreams anymore. I don't feel him as often anymore. And I am sad.

I wonder what he would say of the life that I have now. Would he be happy for me? Would he have like my husband?

I'm still mad that he left. That I was denied the simple custom of my father walking me down the aisle. I still feel so jipped.

4 years. I have buried myself in work. I have tried to bury myself in life. I try not to think about it, because if I do I cry.

Yet I sit here tonight and I cry. I want answers. I wanna know why. I NEED to know why.

I want him back. I want the time that I lost back. I want to not see the images in my head. I want to not see my mother crying and the phone call sounds to leave. I want the movie in my head to stop playing. I want to call his house and herar him pick up the phone. I want to hear him talk to me every birthday and give me his "Birthday Speech".

God I miss him.

Regrets

He doesn't change. He will never change. I must get used to that idea.

He always says he "is tired". Tired? Too tired to touch your own wife?? "I work 12 hours a day, 60 hours a week". I told him: "yes, by your choice". His response: "No not by my choice. I have to support my family". WHAT FAMILY??? There is no "family"!! We have no children. We will not have children. You are too selfish to put anyone before yourself. You say it's the hallmark of an addict. I don't believe you. I think you are just a selfish, self-centered bastard that can only think of himself.  You act like a child everyday, you whine like a child everyday. You act like a child everyday. You ask me: "what will you do if your child does that?" I answer honestly: "My child won't. They will learn early on that whining is not allowed." I will give them something to cry about.

I want to slap the crap out of you.  You annoy the shit out of me. Why did I marry you? I settled. Why did I settle? Because I was tired of the games. The waiting, the looking, the dating. But now I am married to a man who is the opposite of what kind of man I want.

I am unhappy. But what do I do now?

Senseless

I heard today that an co-worker's brother's daughter was brutally murdered on September 1.

What a senseless act of violence. Apparently the mother of the toddler's BOYFRIEND was beating the child for at least 3 months. She "told him to stop, but did nothing about it" (according to police reports). AND (here's the kicker) SHE STILL ADORES HIM! WHAT THE FUCK??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? That's insane! How do you (as a mother) watch a man ever beat your child TO DEATH and say "you still adore" him??????

I will NEVER til the day I die EVER understand child abuse. We are the adults. They are CHILDREN. They are NO MATCH for our adult strength. There is NO LOGIC, NO EXCUSES. I think about all the loving, well adjusted adults who DESPARATELY want a child AND CAN'T HAVE ONE, yet these people (if you can call them that) are popping out kids, don't want them and then killing them. I don't like the thought of taking someone's life needlessly, however when it comes to child murders, I think they should be killed. THE EXACT SAME WAY THEY KILLED THE CHILD(REN).

My heart bleeds for this family...

I know the Aunt (who's my co-worker). She's a sweet woman... friendly and nice... The child's father is funny and quiet. He's a good man and dotes on his son that he has custody of (with his current wife). I feel so bad for them. I don't know what I could possibly do for them, but just offer my condolensces, my well wishes , my prayers...

I can't imagine going through what they are going through. It's a depressing shame.

SENSELESS... JUST ABSOLUTELY SENSELESS.

My wishes for your safe trip home to our maker little one... (S.A.V.)

Vaya con dios, angelita

Death Awaits

I realized today that the future holds nothing.


My husband went to the doctor today and received a mortality check. The doctor said in the simplest terms I thought: If you keep going the way your going (eating unhealthy, not exercising and smoking) you will be dead in 10 years.


My husband was definitely scared. Said that he'd be healthier for "us". But then we went for lunch and he ordered a steak. When I gave him a look he said: "What? I haven't eaten all day!" So I suppose that's where his commitment for "us" lies. He doesn't stick by any decision that doesn't suit him, that isn't comfortable.


So I now have to deal. I have 10 years to save and plan his funeral. As morbid as that is. But obviously he doesn't care enough to change, so I might as well prepare for the inevitable. Hell it might even be sooner.


And the topic of kids. I told him today that I don't want to hear about "when we have a kid..." or anything to do with kids. Why? Why bother?? We're not having any because you're too selfish to put anyone else but yourself first. So stop mentioning it! It hurts too much. I'd rather just deal with the fact that I will not be getting pregnant or having kids now, rather than later. I don't want to deal with the suggestions or anything to do with kids. I might as well get a hysterectomy. But no doctor will give me one til I have at least one child unless I medically need it. So I am stuck. I told my husband :well if you don't want kids, just get fixed. His response: Hell no! I'm not getting anything done. Why don't you go in the pill? (Even though I have told him that the side effects are bad for me, and doctors have told me that they will not put me on the pill because of hormones and the risk of my blood pressure going up since my organ donorship).


And I sit here again and I cry. Cry for the decision I made when I was younger. The chance I gave up because I was selfish. And I thought "I have time, more chances to come, I'm young enough".... I don't have anymore time. I'm no longer young enough. I no longer have any chances. I've told myself and everyone for years that it was for the best... that I couldn't have provided enough for a child... In reality I would have found a way I just chose not to. And this is my punishment.


This is my punishment, my Karma..


Tonight another piece of me has died.