Life

My life isn't all that bad. It could definitely be better, but then again, everyone can say that. I feel the darkness of depression beginning to close in on me again. Darkness I have dealt with and fought for longer than I care to remember. Perhaps that's the empty that I feel.

There's an emptiness in me that I cannot put my finger on. It's like a black hole, empty and strong sucking the light into itself and not letting go.

I love him, but somewhere deep down inside I wonder if he's truly the one for me. There are things that I fear will never "click". There are things that I want for myself that I don't really know if he will truly support me with. When life and career take me away from the home, away from him so that I can't "pay attention to him" what will he do? or rather what will I allow him to do?? Will I let him guilt trip me into staying? Into once again putting someone else before me, or will I take a chance and stand up for me and be me?

He stares at children everywhere we go. Yet whenever I bring up us having children he gets irritated and moody. I have been asked or told: He will be jealous of your child because he will no longer be the only one vying for your attention, and it's true. So what do I do? One reason I got married was so that I wouldn't have to be a "single mother", but it looks like that's what I will be anyway. I keep going back and forth. DO I want children or DON'T I???

The darkness is closing in on the cliff again. She watches the clouds and breaths in as she closes her eyes. She prepares for the storm that she knows will come.