Another Dimension

 It's been 8 years.

A lot can happen in 8 years.

You know what can happen in 8 years? I can finally be fed up with the life I lead and leave the man who didn't make me happy. Who in all honesty NEVER made me happy. I KNEW never could make me happy, would never make me happy, didn't have the capacity to make me happy. His inability to look outside himself and think about me, and someone else without thinking about what that person could do for him was evident even from the beginning. And my persistence to "see the good in him" is what caused my own misery.

You know what else can happen in 8 years?

I can finally move out of NY. I can finally leave the state that was just filled with so much sludge and misery. NY was just filled with memories. Some good memories. Memories of people I wish that were still here, people I wish i could still hear, see. But also filled with memories of people that mess with my peace. They make me want to rage and scream. Do things that would very much get me arrested, thrown in jail, rightfully so. Violence is never the answer, it "feels" good in the dark depths of my mind, but the truth is it's what can't be done. And if there's anything I've learned: It's better to remove myself from the situation rather than suffer through trying to control the urges. Out of sight and all that. I can listen to my rage music and vent my anger through my music and live.

When I left him I also thought I would simply be a single woman: better to be single and free answer to no one rather than go through marriage all over again. But here I am, doing it all over again. And because I don't learn,  I can't make my own life easy: I'm doing it with step kids. I wish someone had told me it wasn't going to be as "easy" as I thought it was going to be. I knew there was going to be transitions, transition times, things to work through, but by the entities above, I didn't know there was going to be a chance that I'd have to deal with a chance that I'd have to deal with a personality that I simply didn't like. That I'd have to deal with my ex-husband all over again. That I'd find it in the eyes of a child, the personality of a child. The child of my once college best friend. My deceased best friend. The child I promised to watch out for, protect and guide. That I would have to dig deep to find a reason not to walk away. Walk away from him and his father who I found all the missing parts of me. Who's kisses, hugs and love healed the damage from my ex. 

But because nothing is perfect, even my perfect man... he healed the damage left behind and created new damage in it's wake like a plastic surgeon excising the scars but creating new ones. Ive noticed the little things as there always are little things.

I have accepted the fact that he is that parent that will always find an excuse to ensure that his chid is without fault. Even when his child makes me feel unsafe. Even when his child makes me feel unbridled rage. He doesn't  examine or question WHY, what it is HIS child has done to provoke me. But rather what is wrong with ME, because it is solely my fault. He hid behind his age, being a child. But he no longer is a child. It will be interesting. He has been warned: As an adult, he shall be treated as an adult. In all it's entirety.

I will never have biological children of my own. I lost my Felicity, my last soul, my last chance in 2024. I almost lost my life. A saddle pulmonary embolism, that blocked most of my lungs. I almost passed out. The doctors said if I waited any longer I wouldn't have survived. And truthfully I wonder if that would've been so bad. With her a big part of my soul left. I knew she'd be my last chance. I took too long. I took too long to leave him, took too long to start trying. Too many things against me. My doctor suggested I not try again, the chances of another miscarriage was too high. The reason Felicity leaving was genetic. The chances of it happening again were too high. I was almost guaranteed to have another pulmonary embolism, so I would have to go on blood thinners - needles twice a day, bruises and lumps - for the entirety of my pregnancy IF my body carried the pregnancy. The chances were not good. I had a fibroid that was growing in my uterus. Taking up room, space, blood. Causing me pain, blood, maybe even the loss of life. I made the decision to remove the mass, and a long with it my useless uterus. 

So now I am without the ability to create life.  

But then again: I don't think I've had that ability for decades.

Maybe in alternate dimension Felicity will grow to be a powerhouse. To be the woman I wished her to be.