It's been awhile since I've blogged. This has always been more of a digital diary for me.
Anyway, I do believe things between me and my husband are coming to an end. I'm not sure I'm sad, or happy about it. We're going to marriage counseling. I'm not sure it's going to help. I'm not sure if I want it to. I just feel like this might be too little to late, the damage is done. I find my resentment in him growing. My anger at him growing. I know it's going to consume me.
I hope that I can give my resentment and anger to him at counseling. It's the only way I can release it. Either he changes and this marriage works or I have to leave. My sanity is on the line.
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Hurricane Alley
The year is 2013. The date is September 5. In 20 days I turn 36. I revisited earlier blogs and re-read my blog about kids. And my husband's mortality.
I remember my decision at 20, right before my 21st birthday 15 long years ago. And I think: I would have had a 15 year old son today. I would not be married to the man I am married today as he has stated quite often his view of "raising another man's child" (although his OWN son was raised by another man because he was too immature and selfish to be the man he should have been).
I remember my decision at 20, right before my 21st birthday 15 long years ago. And I think: I would have had a 15 year old son today. I would not be married to the man I am married today as he has stated quite often his view of "raising another man's child" (although his OWN son was raised by another man because he was too immature and selfish to be the man he should have been).
Thursday, June 24, 2010
4 Years
It's been 4 years.
4 Years since my father died. I don't cry at the drop of dime anymore. I don't see him in my dreams anymore. I don't feel him as often anymore. And I am sad.
I wonder what he would say of the life that I have now. Would he be happy for me? Would he have like my husband?
I'm still mad that he left. That I was denied the simple custom of my father walking me down the aisle. I still feel so jipped.
4 years. I have buried myself in work. I have tried to bury myself in life. I try not to think about it, because if I do I cry.
Yet I sit here tonight and I cry. I want answers. I wanna know why. I NEED to know why.
I want him back. I want the time that I lost back. I want to not see the images in my head. I want to not see my mother crying and the phone call sounds to leave. I want the movie in my head to stop playing. I want to call his house and herar him pick up the phone. I want to hear him talk to me every birthday and give me his "Birthday Speech".
God I miss him.
4 Years since my father died. I don't cry at the drop of dime anymore. I don't see him in my dreams anymore. I don't feel him as often anymore. And I am sad.
I wonder what he would say of the life that I have now. Would he be happy for me? Would he have like my husband?
I'm still mad that he left. That I was denied the simple custom of my father walking me down the aisle. I still feel so jipped.
4 years. I have buried myself in work. I have tried to bury myself in life. I try not to think about it, because if I do I cry.
Yet I sit here tonight and I cry. I want answers. I wanna know why. I NEED to know why.
I want him back. I want the time that I lost back. I want to not see the images in my head. I want to not see my mother crying and the phone call sounds to leave. I want the movie in my head to stop playing. I want to call his house and herar him pick up the phone. I want to hear him talk to me every birthday and give me his "Birthday Speech".
God I miss him.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Regrets
He doesn't change. He will never change. I must get used to that idea.
He always says he "is tired". Tired? Too tired to touch your own wife?? "I work 12 hours a day, 60 hours a week". I told him: "yes, by your choice". His response: "No not by my choice. I have to support my family". WHAT FAMILY??? There is no "family"!! We have no children. We will not have children. You are too selfish to put anyone before yourself. You say it's the hallmark of an addict. I don't believe you. I think you are just a selfish, self-centered bastard that can only think of himself. You act like a child everyday, you whine like a child everyday. You act like a child everyday. You ask me: "what will you do if your child does that?" I answer honestly: "My child won't. They will learn early on that whining is not allowed." I will give them something to cry about.
I want to slap the crap out of you. You annoy the shit out of me. Why did I marry you? I settled. Why did I settle? Because I was tired of the games. The waiting, the looking, the dating. But now I am married to a man who is the opposite of what kind of man I want.
I am unhappy. But what do I do now?
He always says he "is tired". Tired? Too tired to touch your own wife?? "I work 12 hours a day, 60 hours a week". I told him: "yes, by your choice". His response: "No not by my choice. I have to support my family". WHAT FAMILY??? There is no "family"!! We have no children. We will not have children. You are too selfish to put anyone before yourself. You say it's the hallmark of an addict. I don't believe you. I think you are just a selfish, self-centered bastard that can only think of himself. You act like a child everyday, you whine like a child everyday. You act like a child everyday. You ask me: "what will you do if your child does that?" I answer honestly: "My child won't. They will learn early on that whining is not allowed." I will give them something to cry about.
I want to slap the crap out of you. You annoy the shit out of me. Why did I marry you? I settled. Why did I settle? Because I was tired of the games. The waiting, the looking, the dating. But now I am married to a man who is the opposite of what kind of man I want.
I am unhappy. But what do I do now?
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Senseless
I heard today that an co-worker's brother's daughter was brutally murdered on September 1.
What a senseless act of violence. Apparently the mother of the toddler's BOYFRIEND was beating the child for at least 3 months. She "told him to stop, but did nothing about it" (according to police reports). AND (here's the kicker) SHE STILL ADORES HIM! WHAT THE FUCK??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? That's insane! How do you (as a mother) watch a man ever beat your child TO DEATH and say "you still adore" him??????
I will NEVER til the day I die EVER understand child abuse. We are the adults. They are CHILDREN. They are NO MATCH for our adult strength. There is NO LOGIC, NO EXCUSES. I think about all the loving, well adjusted adults who DESPARATELY want a child AND CAN'T HAVE ONE, yet these people (if you can call them that) are popping out kids, don't want them and then killing them. I don't like the thought of taking someone's life needlessly, however when it comes to child murders, I think they should be killed. THE EXACT SAME WAY THEY KILLED THE CHILD(REN).
My heart bleeds for this family...
I know the Aunt (who's my co-worker). She's a sweet woman... friendly and nice... The child's father is funny and quiet. He's a good man and dotes on his son that he has custody of (with his current wife). I feel so bad for them. I don't know what I could possibly do for them, but just offer my condolensces, my well wishes , my prayers...
I can't imagine going through what they are going through. It's a depressing shame.
SENSELESS... JUST ABSOLUTELY SENSELESS.
My wishes for your safe trip home to our maker little one... (S.A.V.)
Vaya con dios, angelita
What a senseless act of violence. Apparently the mother of the toddler's BOYFRIEND was beating the child for at least 3 months. She "told him to stop, but did nothing about it" (according to police reports). AND (here's the kicker) SHE STILL ADORES HIM! WHAT THE FUCK??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? That's insane! How do you (as a mother) watch a man ever beat your child TO DEATH and say "you still adore" him??????
I will NEVER til the day I die EVER understand child abuse. We are the adults. They are CHILDREN. They are NO MATCH for our adult strength. There is NO LOGIC, NO EXCUSES. I think about all the loving, well adjusted adults who DESPARATELY want a child AND CAN'T HAVE ONE, yet these people (if you can call them that) are popping out kids, don't want them and then killing them. I don't like the thought of taking someone's life needlessly, however when it comes to child murders, I think they should be killed. THE EXACT SAME WAY THEY KILLED THE CHILD(REN).
My heart bleeds for this family...
I know the Aunt (who's my co-worker). She's a sweet woman... friendly and nice... The child's father is funny and quiet. He's a good man and dotes on his son that he has custody of (with his current wife). I feel so bad for them. I don't know what I could possibly do for them, but just offer my condolensces, my well wishes , my prayers...
I can't imagine going through what they are going through. It's a depressing shame.
SENSELESS... JUST ABSOLUTELY SENSELESS.
My wishes for your safe trip home to our maker little one... (S.A.V.)
Vaya con dios, angelita
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Death Awaits
I realized today that the future holds nothing.
My husband went to the doctor today and received a mortality check. The doctor said in the simplest terms I thought: If you keep going the way your going (eating unhealthy, not exercising and smoking) you will be dead in 10 years.
My husband was definitely scared. Said that he'd be healthier for "us". But then we went for lunch and he ordered a steak. When I gave him a look he said: "What? I haven't eaten all day!" So I suppose that's where his commitment for "us" lies. He doesn't stick by any decision that doesn't suit him, that isn't comfortable.
So I now have to deal. I have 10 years to save and plan his funeral. As morbid as that is. But obviously he doesn't care enough to change, so I might as well prepare for the inevitable. Hell it might even be sooner.
And the topic of kids. I told him today that I don't want to hear about "when we have a kid..." or anything to do with kids. Why? Why bother?? We're not having any because you're too selfish to put anyone else but yourself first. So stop mentioning it! It hurts too much. I'd rather just deal with the fact that I will not be getting pregnant or having kids now, rather than later. I don't want to deal with the suggestions or anything to do with kids. I might as well get a hysterectomy. But no doctor will give me one til I have at least one child unless I medically need it. So I am stuck. I told my husband :well if you don't want kids, just get fixed. His response: Hell no! I'm not getting anything done. Why don't you go in the pill? (Even though I have told him that the side effects are bad for me, and doctors have told me that they will not put me on the pill because of hormones and the risk of my blood pressure going up since my organ donorship).
And I sit here again and I cry. Cry for the decision I made when I was younger. The chance I gave up because I was selfish. And I thought "I have time, more chances to come, I'm young enough".... I don't have anymore time. I'm no longer young enough. I no longer have any chances. I've told myself and everyone for years that it was for the best... that I couldn't have provided enough for a child... In reality I would have found a way I just chose not to. And this is my punishment.
This is my punishment, my Karma..
Tonight another piece of me has died.
My husband went to the doctor today and received a mortality check. The doctor said in the simplest terms I thought: If you keep going the way your going (eating unhealthy, not exercising and smoking) you will be dead in 10 years.
My husband was definitely scared. Said that he'd be healthier for "us". But then we went for lunch and he ordered a steak. When I gave him a look he said: "What? I haven't eaten all day!" So I suppose that's where his commitment for "us" lies. He doesn't stick by any decision that doesn't suit him, that isn't comfortable.
So I now have to deal. I have 10 years to save and plan his funeral. As morbid as that is. But obviously he doesn't care enough to change, so I might as well prepare for the inevitable. Hell it might even be sooner.
And the topic of kids. I told him today that I don't want to hear about "when we have a kid..." or anything to do with kids. Why? Why bother?? We're not having any because you're too selfish to put anyone else but yourself first. So stop mentioning it! It hurts too much. I'd rather just deal with the fact that I will not be getting pregnant or having kids now, rather than later. I don't want to deal with the suggestions or anything to do with kids. I might as well get a hysterectomy. But no doctor will give me one til I have at least one child unless I medically need it. So I am stuck. I told my husband :well if you don't want kids, just get fixed. His response: Hell no! I'm not getting anything done. Why don't you go in the pill? (Even though I have told him that the side effects are bad for me, and doctors have told me that they will not put me on the pill because of hormones and the risk of my blood pressure going up since my organ donorship).
And I sit here again and I cry. Cry for the decision I made when I was younger. The chance I gave up because I was selfish. And I thought "I have time, more chances to come, I'm young enough".... I don't have anymore time. I'm no longer young enough. I no longer have any chances. I've told myself and everyone for years that it was for the best... that I couldn't have provided enough for a child... In reality I would have found a way I just chose not to. And this is my punishment.
This is my punishment, my Karma..
Tonight another piece of me has died.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Cheated
I'm tired of putting on a brave face everyday. For everyone, but me. I miss him so much. I feel cheated. he didn't walk me down the aisle, didn't meet my husband. will never get to see his grandchild/grandchildren.
I feel guilty that I neglected him for so many years while I got over my shit. And just when I finally decided that it was time to repair the damage that time and distance had created he was gone. He's been gone for years and I still haven't truly mourned his passing. But I had to be STRONG for my mother. I had to keep it together. I had to make things happen because she couldn't. And now 3 years later I sit here and I cry. Cry for the lost time. Cry for the lost opportunities. Cry for the moments I missed. Cry for the moments that we will never have.
In my minds eye I see. I see his casket. I see his urn. I see it being sealed in a tomb on the other side of the world, away from me. I know that's where he wanted to be but I cant see him. I can't feel him. The tears blind me and the pain rips me apart. How do I deal?
I hear the phone call: We can't revive him... I remember the sound of tears. The sobs of my mother: What do I do now? I have no one now... I remember her reaching for me, holding onto me. Stay with me? Stay here with me? The desperation in her voice, the pleading... How do I say no, I don't want to say no, I could never say no.
I remember trying to get dressed to go to the house. I remember shaking so much I couldn't get dressed. I remember being afraid that I would crash the car. I remember thinking: No it can't be true. I have to get there. I have to see for myself. I remember getting there and thinking: where are the ambulances? Why are there cops here? I remember getting to the door and the door is open: Why is it open?? I remember walking in... and seeing. Seeing him lying there. Not moving. And I crumple. My knees give out. Someone catches me: it's my cousin. All I hear is the ringing in my ears.... someone asks: Who is she? My cousin says: it's his daughter. I am uncontrollable. I don't know how long. Somewhere I hear my uncle: Go to your mother she needs you. She's looking for you. I stand up and the tears have stopped. I am so devastated I feel nothing.. I go to my mother and the reaches... I hear the cry... and my eyes water... This isn't what I am used to. She's the rock of the family. She's she strong one... Can I do this? Can I be the one? I have to be. And my life is forever changed.
Someone wants to speak to me about plans... arrangements.. I can barely think. Mom knows where she wants the funeral. Good, because I have no idea. I try to think about what needs to be done. but I am lost. My job, I need more time off, I am on vacation, but I need more time.. Clothes, I need clothes... Someone makes calls. Someone asks what I want. What does Mom want? Somehow things get done. It takes everything I have to keep focused. My focus: keep Mom alive. Stay close, be her rock.
Somewhere in the night everyone leaves, Mom cant sleep but I can't keep my eyes open. I fall asleep but what seems like minutes later I hear the sobs again. Mom. What do I do? I don't know what to do?? I can only be close. And hope my presence is enough...
The wake is planned. Somehow people have been informed. I don't know how. I don't remember calling... I barely sit. I am "Hostess". I can't go up to the casket. I can't say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye. In my mind I keep screaming: NO! HE CAN'T BE DEAD! We file out to go to the cemetery for his cremation. The one thing I insisted on. I wanted my father cremated. I can barely drive. My cousin asks: Can she drive?? Do you want me to drive?? Oh God, help me keep it together.
We get to the cemetery and all I can think is this is the last time I will SEE him in his body. They lay the flag on his casket and later close it. Me and Mom lose it again. They give Mom the flag... and I cry. Her tears have yet to stop. Mine have yet to really begin.
We clean out the apartment. Get rid of his stuff. Its done within 2 weeks.
I have memories, as I listen to my family tell me there's of a man who was not my biological father but will always be
MY FATHER.
RIP Dad.. I miss you, I love you. You had your reasons for leaving. Me and Mom are closer now than we have ever been. I helped save her life. She has a part of me in her now, for all eternity. I gave her a kidney, gave her back her life. I love her with a strength I never knew I could have. Your death brought us together. Is that why you left?
I miss you, I hope you were there at my wedding. To watch me walk down the aisle. To get married. Do you approve of my husband? I hope you do. Come visit me again in my dreams Dad. I miss your face...
I feel guilty that I neglected him for so many years while I got over my shit. And just when I finally decided that it was time to repair the damage that time and distance had created he was gone. He's been gone for years and I still haven't truly mourned his passing. But I had to be STRONG for my mother. I had to keep it together. I had to make things happen because she couldn't. And now 3 years later I sit here and I cry. Cry for the lost time. Cry for the lost opportunities. Cry for the moments I missed. Cry for the moments that we will never have.
In my minds eye I see. I see his casket. I see his urn. I see it being sealed in a tomb on the other side of the world, away from me. I know that's where he wanted to be but I cant see him. I can't feel him. The tears blind me and the pain rips me apart. How do I deal?
I hear the phone call: We can't revive him... I remember the sound of tears. The sobs of my mother: What do I do now? I have no one now... I remember her reaching for me, holding onto me. Stay with me? Stay here with me? The desperation in her voice, the pleading... How do I say no, I don't want to say no, I could never say no.
I remember trying to get dressed to go to the house. I remember shaking so much I couldn't get dressed. I remember being afraid that I would crash the car. I remember thinking: No it can't be true. I have to get there. I have to see for myself. I remember getting there and thinking: where are the ambulances? Why are there cops here? I remember getting to the door and the door is open: Why is it open?? I remember walking in... and seeing. Seeing him lying there. Not moving. And I crumple. My knees give out. Someone catches me: it's my cousin. All I hear is the ringing in my ears.... someone asks: Who is she? My cousin says: it's his daughter. I am uncontrollable. I don't know how long. Somewhere I hear my uncle: Go to your mother she needs you. She's looking for you. I stand up and the tears have stopped. I am so devastated I feel nothing.. I go to my mother and the reaches... I hear the cry... and my eyes water... This isn't what I am used to. She's the rock of the family. She's she strong one... Can I do this? Can I be the one? I have to be. And my life is forever changed.
Someone wants to speak to me about plans... arrangements.. I can barely think. Mom knows where she wants the funeral. Good, because I have no idea. I try to think about what needs to be done. but I am lost. My job, I need more time off, I am on vacation, but I need more time.. Clothes, I need clothes... Someone makes calls. Someone asks what I want. What does Mom want? Somehow things get done. It takes everything I have to keep focused. My focus: keep Mom alive. Stay close, be her rock.
Somewhere in the night everyone leaves, Mom cant sleep but I can't keep my eyes open. I fall asleep but what seems like minutes later I hear the sobs again. Mom. What do I do? I don't know what to do?? I can only be close. And hope my presence is enough...
The wake is planned. Somehow people have been informed. I don't know how. I don't remember calling... I barely sit. I am "Hostess". I can't go up to the casket. I can't say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye. In my mind I keep screaming: NO! HE CAN'T BE DEAD! We file out to go to the cemetery for his cremation. The one thing I insisted on. I wanted my father cremated. I can barely drive. My cousin asks: Can she drive?? Do you want me to drive?? Oh God, help me keep it together.
We get to the cemetery and all I can think is this is the last time I will SEE him in his body. They lay the flag on his casket and later close it. Me and Mom lose it again. They give Mom the flag... and I cry. Her tears have yet to stop. Mine have yet to really begin.
We clean out the apartment. Get rid of his stuff. Its done within 2 weeks.
I have memories, as I listen to my family tell me there's of a man who was not my biological father but will always be
MY FATHER.
RIP Dad.. I miss you, I love you. You had your reasons for leaving. Me and Mom are closer now than we have ever been. I helped save her life. She has a part of me in her now, for all eternity. I gave her a kidney, gave her back her life. I love her with a strength I never knew I could have. Your death brought us together. Is that why you left?
I miss you, I hope you were there at my wedding. To watch me walk down the aisle. To get married. Do you approve of my husband? I hope you do. Come visit me again in my dreams Dad. I miss your face...
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